This past week-end a co-worker and dear friend passed away. He had been diagnosed with Cancer a little over a month and a half ago, and succumbed on Saturday.
His Funeral was yesterday, and it was an emotional tribute to a truly terrific man. Willy was one of the happiest people I have ever met. He was one of those people who was always quick with a smile, and even quicker with a joke or a card trick. He will truly be missed around the office.
I remember meeting him when I first started in this job a year and half ago. We worked together and became fast friends. I realize now that Willy became fast friends with everyone he met, but, there was more than enough good nature in him to go around.
The last time I saw Willy, he was on my floor looking for someone else and standing outside my Cubicle. It was a Friday. He was chatting and told me that he missed me on his floor. He was also holding his back, which he told me he had sprained at the gym. As it turns out, less than a week later his doctors found tumours on his Spinal cord.
I can't stop thinking about his Son (who I have never met), watching them wheel his father’s casket out. He wore sunglasses, yet I could read every movement as though they were my own. I knew his helplessness, sadness and confusion as I lost my Mother far too early in her life. The feeling of waste, and a loss so profound that it feels as though nothing will ever fill the void. Of course nothing ever does. You meet different people over time that helps to cover up the void, but it is never filled in.
I never met his son before yesterday. But, I feel like I know him now.
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
Saturday, March 25, 2006
The Cape!
So. How cool is the KSC you ask? Well for Both CG and I it stands out as a Highlight of our trip. Aside from Breaking bread and Chillin’ with our fun and wacky Floridian Comrades, I think that the things I will most remember are the KSC and the WONDERFUL smell of Orange Blossoms filling the “Wet Sponge” driving home on a warm Florida evening. Magic.
KSC was about an hour drive from the Floridians home. My one regret is that we didn’t get on our way a bit earlier so that we could have had a bit more time there. Next time.
Most of the tours and Visitor centres are dedicated to the NASA “glory years” of the space race, and the Apollo missions. That suited me fine, as that is the period that is most interesting to me. Even almost 40 years out, I think that the Apollo missions are a true technological wonder. The scale of all thing involved is truly enormous. The Giant Vehicle Assemble building, the enormous Crawlers used to transport the unbelievable Saturn V. It’s incredible to think that all that was created with 1960’s technology, and is a feat that we could not replicate today. Of course, we could replicate it, if it was funded as well as Apollo was….
I can’t criticize US Govt space spending, as I strongly believe (as an outsider looking in), that as a nation they have more pressing concerns. However, it is worth noting that in 1969, when men were walking on the moon, Space exploration accounted for approx 0.3% of US GDP. In the same year, when the US was losing an unpopular war in Vietnam, US military expenditures accounted for 3% of GDP.
Anyway, the tours were awesome, and I look forward to shelling out a bit more next time for the “Up Close” tour. Apparently you need a reservation for that one.
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
Geek Heaven
The Decision to go to the Kennedy Space Center was made after we had already decided to go to Florida. It wasn’t my idea as Wifey thought of it. It really SHOULD have been my Idea. Not that I am jealous in anyway, but I just can’t believe that the trip didn’t just jump into my mind. For me Florida should = Space Center.
I am a certifiable Space Geek. To this day I follow the space programs of not only the USA, but also the ESA, Japan, China, Russia etc with keen interest. I have studied the Apollo years in detail, and in the course of studying for my History degree, I wrote an essay on Comparative Foreign policy of the USA, USSR as evidenced by the Space Race. All in all, I am a true Geek boy… What can I say?
My fascination with space began on a hot summer day when my Aunt took me to see Star Wars. My 6-year-old mind was reeling. I came out wondering how much of that was possible. .
Around the time that Empire Strikes Back was out, I remember another Hot summer night. This time, I was in my friend Randy’s backyard. It was near the end of summer and we were sitting in his backyard on plastic reclining lawn chairs. My friend Randy was a full year older than me (when you are nine that’s 11%!!) and he had told me that we could spot satellites whizzing overhead. I caught a shooting star and we were convinced that we spotted some satellites, a chunk of the falling Skylab (who cares that we were a few years late) and just for good measure, a UFO. I was 9 and the fact that I grew up near an airport didn’t mean that those were landing lights in the distance gawddammit J. I am sure about the shooting star. And, for the first time that I caught a whiff of the vastness of space, and by extension the vastness of…. everything. For the next few years I picked up as many books as I could about space, and space exploration, all the while feeding a growing addiction to Science Fiction. During these years I tried to design my own Spaceships. Somehow they all came out looking like the Apollo craft I had read so much about… or an x-wing. By the time I was 13, I was convinced that I needed to be an astronomer.
By the time I was 14, it was clear that I lacked the mathematical skills. And then the guitar came along. Throughout my teen years, I attempted (in vain I might add) to hide my true geek colours. Of course, they bled through whatever outfit I tried, but, I let my interest in Science and Science Fiction Sit on the back-burner as I tried to do the obligatory amount of fitting in and teen-age posturing. Once I hit University though, I couldn’t help it. My main course of study was History, but, I kept astronomy and space flight as a hobby.
It became the universe I could lose myself in, and once again gladly, and publicly, declared my love for Science Fiction as a genre. Of course, this was before The Matrix was released, so Sci-Fi was still not ‘cool’. It would be a few years before the rest of the world caught up with me. In these years I read many books chronicling the History of Space flight and the space race, which is something I still do. I read books about space, watch as many Discovery Channel programs as my schedule allows and scour the Internet for information. When Pathfinder was on Mars in ’97, I laboriously downloaded as many images as I could using a 28.8 modem. I have followed missions that most people didn’t know exist (Chandra X-ray Observatory anyone?).
So, the Idea to go to Kennedy really SHOULD have been mine. But, the Wife came up with it, and I’m glad that she did. I’m also grateful that she decided to take the day and come out with me. She said that my enthusiasm interested her. I think that at first she just wanted to make sure that I went, as it was a place that I have wanted to visit for well over 20 years. Its great when you find that person around whom you can wear your geek colours.
That’s what this post is about. That special woman, who not only shares my interests, but realizes before I do what will make me happy, and what I love. Most days it feels like more than I deserve.
Oh, and I’ve waited 20 years to get that picture!!
I still need to get my thoughts on the Space Center visit down…. I will
Sunday, March 19, 2006
Florida Adventures
So after being delayed in Chicago we landed in Orlando at 1AM! Of course most of the Airport is closed at that time, so It was difficult to get anywhere. We also had to wait about 40 minutes to get a shuttle to our rental car. Thankfully, the attendant at the Rental desk felt bad that we had been waiting and upgraded our rental for free. We went from an economy to an SUV. I normally hate SUV’s, and almost turned down his offer, but figured meh, I’m on vacation. Turns out the Suzuki XL 7 we were given is a pretty nice ride, aside from the fact that it has absolutely NO Power! We nicknamed it the Wet Sponge in tribute to its acceleration and handling capabilities…
Finally on our wheels, we made our way to our Friends place, shamefully arriving at 4am, when they had to go to work the next day. We called them and told them that we would just get a hotel upon landing, but the wonderful people that they are would not hear of it. After navigating the Florida roads as best we could on next to no sleep, we were greeted by the truly wondrous sight of a Canadian flag Jack-o-lantern in their Driveway. In March!! Jay and Sherri rock like no others!
So we were settled and took Monday to chill out, get acclimatized and do some shopping, driving the Wet Sponge in the Beautiful Florida heat.
Tuesday was spent meeting another Floridian Amigo of ours and loading everyone up in the Wet Sponge for a trip to the great cheesy tourist destination called Gator Land. Gator Land was opened in 1949 and is an old school tourist trap. It is basically a huge zoo devoted to Alligators, although surprisingly Gator meat is also on the menu… Blech! It seems weird, but apparently Alligators are so prolific, that the park needs to cull their numbers and I guess this is what they do with the extras. Anyway, Alligators are cool creatures, and almost seem unreal. They hardly move and look as though they are straight out of another era in Earths History. All in all Gator Land was a Blast!
Wednesday I was able to Finally visit Kennedy Space Centre. This will get it’s own Post!
On Thursday the Floridians took us out and about in the lovely Mt Dora area near their home. There is actually no Mountain to be seen and a more a propos name for the town would be “Slight Incline Dora”, but it is pretty none the less. We went on a nature walk and then walked through a quaint shopping district populated with specialty boutiques and shops. We called it an early night since we needed to be up early to catch our plane out.
All in all it was a fantastic trip, based largely on the hospitality of our friends. We spoke of setting up an annual exchange program, where they can come and visit us in September to escape the oppressive humidity of Florida and we head south on March Break to escape the Brutal winter. I look forward to our visits with them greatly and can’t wait to welcome them back to Toronto for the Word on the Street Book Festival.
Finally on our wheels, we made our way to our Friends place, shamefully arriving at 4am, when they had to go to work the next day. We called them and told them that we would just get a hotel upon landing, but the wonderful people that they are would not hear of it. After navigating the Florida roads as best we could on next to no sleep, we were greeted by the truly wondrous sight of a Canadian flag Jack-o-lantern in their Driveway. In March!! Jay and Sherri rock like no others!
So we were settled and took Monday to chill out, get acclimatized and do some shopping, driving the Wet Sponge in the Beautiful Florida heat.
Tuesday was spent meeting another Floridian Amigo of ours and loading everyone up in the Wet Sponge for a trip to the great cheesy tourist destination called Gator Land. Gator Land was opened in 1949 and is an old school tourist trap. It is basically a huge zoo devoted to Alligators, although surprisingly Gator meat is also on the menu… Blech! It seems weird, but apparently Alligators are so prolific, that the park needs to cull their numbers and I guess this is what they do with the extras. Anyway, Alligators are cool creatures, and almost seem unreal. They hardly move and look as though they are straight out of another era in Earths History. All in all Gator Land was a Blast!
Wednesday I was able to Finally visit Kennedy Space Centre. This will get it’s own Post!
On Thursday the Floridians took us out and about in the lovely Mt Dora area near their home. There is actually no Mountain to be seen and a more a propos name for the town would be “Slight Incline Dora”, but it is pretty none the less. We went on a nature walk and then walked through a quaint shopping district populated with specialty boutiques and shops. We called it an early night since we needed to be up early to catch our plane out.
All in all it was a fantastic trip, based largely on the hospitality of our friends. We spoke of setting up an annual exchange program, where they can come and visit us in September to escape the oppressive humidity of Florida and we head south on March Break to escape the Brutal winter. I look forward to our visits with them greatly and can’t wait to welcome them back to Toronto for the Word on the Street Book Festival.
Friday, March 17, 2006
I'm back...I'm tired
OK, Next time we fly, I MUST take a closer look at the itinerary. Analyze it and really think! (I work as an Analyst after all) Our trip was wonderful and exciting, truly liberating the geek in me at times and allowing me to be “the tourist” at others.
All in all it was awesome. But, today I am tired as all fuck. I have been up since 4am. I don’t do well at 4am.
We arrived late in Orlando after a delay at our stop over in Chicago. There was a Massive Thunderstom, which closed the airport right after we landed. The Flight into Chicago was a terrible, turbulent affair. The Wifey does not fly well and was very afraid, irregardless of the 2 gravol she took to dull her senses a bit. It may take something stronger next time. But, the little trooper hung in there, and we landed OK. I may have lost some mobility in my right hand due to here “Kung-Fu grip of fear”, but all in all I’m glad to say that she held up well. Hopefully our next flight will be easier and I’ll be able to calm her a bit more. Honestly, I was pretty scared at certain times on the flights. Perhaps it was flying with some one who has a phobia? Its so hard, because I tried to reassure her and be strong, giving her strength, yet I felt so powerless and unable to calm her. Its hard to know that your loved one is afraid (to the point to tears) and you can do nothing at all to help them through. There were times when I felt anxious and panicky, when I used to love flying. Prior to our Thunderstorm landing I guess I had always had nice weather to fly in and never looked at my planes as dangerous in any way. Our flight to Chicago was just brutal though. Wifey tried desperately to climb into my lap, seatbelt, cramped seats and armrest apparently were not an obstacle to her. If nothing else, my girl is determined!
This morning we departed at 8am, necessitating an arrival at the airport of 6am!!! I’m just beat now, even after a nap. It really has wasted my day. Lesson for future trips is to Fly in earlier and depart later!!
I’ll blog the trip later (hopefully with pics).
Oh, and who in fuck’s name do airlines make those seats for! I’m a relatively small guy (abour 5’ 6”, 145lbs) and I find them restrictive. Makes you feel like cargo!
I’m listening to Crooked Fingers. Imagine if Neil Diamond was depressed and wrote songs about drunks. Yeah, its that good.
All in all it was awesome. But, today I am tired as all fuck. I have been up since 4am. I don’t do well at 4am.
We arrived late in Orlando after a delay at our stop over in Chicago. There was a Massive Thunderstom, which closed the airport right after we landed. The Flight into Chicago was a terrible, turbulent affair. The Wifey does not fly well and was very afraid, irregardless of the 2 gravol she took to dull her senses a bit. It may take something stronger next time. But, the little trooper hung in there, and we landed OK. I may have lost some mobility in my right hand due to here “Kung-Fu grip of fear”, but all in all I’m glad to say that she held up well. Hopefully our next flight will be easier and I’ll be able to calm her a bit more. Honestly, I was pretty scared at certain times on the flights. Perhaps it was flying with some one who has a phobia? Its so hard, because I tried to reassure her and be strong, giving her strength, yet I felt so powerless and unable to calm her. Its hard to know that your loved one is afraid (to the point to tears) and you can do nothing at all to help them through. There were times when I felt anxious and panicky, when I used to love flying. Prior to our Thunderstorm landing I guess I had always had nice weather to fly in and never looked at my planes as dangerous in any way. Our flight to Chicago was just brutal though. Wifey tried desperately to climb into my lap, seatbelt, cramped seats and armrest apparently were not an obstacle to her. If nothing else, my girl is determined!
This morning we departed at 8am, necessitating an arrival at the airport of 6am!!! I’m just beat now, even after a nap. It really has wasted my day. Lesson for future trips is to Fly in earlier and depart later!!
I’ll blog the trip later (hopefully with pics).
Oh, and who in fuck’s name do airlines make those seats for! I’m a relatively small guy (abour 5’ 6”, 145lbs) and I find them restrictive. Makes you feel like cargo!
I’m listening to Crooked Fingers. Imagine if Neil Diamond was depressed and wrote songs about drunks. Yeah, its that good.
Sunday, March 12, 2006
Trippy dude... trippy...
So we are almost ready to join the throngs of Canadians heading south for march break.
Heather and I are on our way to Florida to visit our wonderful Friends Jay and Sherri. I look forward to it.
I guess since I haven’t blogged in a while there has been no mention of this before. Ah well. I’ve been busy. I am looking forward to eh warm Climes (although it is almost 15 celsius in Toronto) and some sightseeing along with hanging out with some tres cool people. We are about 45 mins from departure.
Heather is a bad flyer. We have been together for over 5 years and have yet to fly together. I have tried to reassure her, but she is still very nervous and anxious. I told her my hand is hers to squeeze (hell, I haven’t touched a guitar in months) and I will do whatever I can for her. Yet I still feel powerless to alleviate her fears. I know she will be fine, but, I hope we can make it there calmly. I love flying. Or at least I enjoy takeoff and landing, the middle part is boring.
Anyway, in other news H. and I have started to plan our wedding party in earnest. We have found a cool venue that is Oh so very us and are getting ready to commit to it.
Anyway that’s about all for now
Heather and I are on our way to Florida to visit our wonderful Friends Jay and Sherri. I look forward to it.
I guess since I haven’t blogged in a while there has been no mention of this before. Ah well. I’ve been busy. I am looking forward to eh warm Climes (although it is almost 15 celsius in Toronto) and some sightseeing along with hanging out with some tres cool people. We are about 45 mins from departure.
Heather is a bad flyer. We have been together for over 5 years and have yet to fly together. I have tried to reassure her, but she is still very nervous and anxious. I told her my hand is hers to squeeze (hell, I haven’t touched a guitar in months) and I will do whatever I can for her. Yet I still feel powerless to alleviate her fears. I know she will be fine, but, I hope we can make it there calmly. I love flying. Or at least I enjoy takeoff and landing, the middle part is boring.
Anyway, in other news H. and I have started to plan our wedding party in earnest. We have found a cool venue that is Oh so very us and are getting ready to commit to it.
Anyway that’s about all for now
Thursday, March 09, 2006
WOW I have a Blog!
So…. Two months huh?
Yup. Guess if ever become a super-hero I won’t be known as the “Uber-Blogger”. Time for a new dream. I’ve been up to quite a bit though.
Work = insanity. I’ve been busting my arse. I decided not to long ago that my best interests would be served by getting promoted. So, that is what I am endeavouring to do. I keep taking on large projects and have put myself up as team leader on a lot of them. Gads!!! I sound so fucking corporate! Some days I wake up and feel as though I have sold my soul to a “Big American Corporation” for a few bucks. I remember the old saying that said something to the effect of, if you go corporate before you are 30 you are a sell-out, if you haven't sold out after 30 you are just stupid. Well, at least it took me to 34 to sell out.
In the mornings I get ready for work and see a clean-shaven, tie-wearing reflection in the mirror. Some days I wonder who that guy is. Don’t get me wrong… I rock the tie. I make corporate look good (hey, let me have my delusions) but, it just doesn’t feel like me.
Today I had a meeting and left on a high from it. The kind of high I used to get from playing my Fender into the early mornings, or reading Kerourac, or listening to Hendrix, Coltrane, or Pearl Jam…. Now… its sales planning. Whoa.
I still do the other stuff, but, not as much as I like.
I never thought this would be me.
I never believed “he” would be me…..
I am listening to the Arctic Monkeys. Killer.
Yup. Guess if ever become a super-hero I won’t be known as the “Uber-Blogger”. Time for a new dream. I’ve been up to quite a bit though.
Work = insanity. I’ve been busting my arse. I decided not to long ago that my best interests would be served by getting promoted. So, that is what I am endeavouring to do. I keep taking on large projects and have put myself up as team leader on a lot of them. Gads!!! I sound so fucking corporate! Some days I wake up and feel as though I have sold my soul to a “Big American Corporation” for a few bucks. I remember the old saying that said something to the effect of, if you go corporate before you are 30 you are a sell-out, if you haven't sold out after 30 you are just stupid. Well, at least it took me to 34 to sell out.
In the mornings I get ready for work and see a clean-shaven, tie-wearing reflection in the mirror. Some days I wonder who that guy is. Don’t get me wrong… I rock the tie. I make corporate look good (hey, let me have my delusions) but, it just doesn’t feel like me.
Today I had a meeting and left on a high from it. The kind of high I used to get from playing my Fender into the early mornings, or reading Kerourac, or listening to Hendrix, Coltrane, or Pearl Jam…. Now… its sales planning. Whoa.
I still do the other stuff, but, not as much as I like.
I never thought this would be me.
I never believed “he” would be me…..
I am listening to the Arctic Monkeys. Killer.
Sunday, January 08, 2006
The last days of 2005!
So I haven’t posted in a while… Did I mention that I suck at doing stuff like this?
So, what have I been doing since December 19th?
· Last minute xmas shopping… right up to the 24th when I picked up City of Villians for Wifey at Best buy for 59.99!
· Xmas dinners. Both on xmas day and boxing day. Too much food and a week of recovery time. ‘Nuff said
· 27th. Found City of Villains at EB games for 19.99!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Bought 2 copies. One to replace more expensive version and one for me.
· 27th. Rearranged Dad’s basement to accommodate the new Treadmill we picked up for him on the 20th. Its also his workshop from where he runs his business. Heavy machinery to move as well.
· 28th and 29th. I caught a cold. Still went I to the office and was one only 5 people on my floor, so I sat around working alone and miserable
· 30th. I had a cold. I read a Star Wars EU novel called Dark Lord I got for xmas and REALLY enjoyed it, even though I find most other Star wars EU to be boring. For me, Star Wars is 50% visual, 45% Music and 5% story. So, when I enjoy just reading a Star Wars novel it is rare. I’ve read very few as a result
· 31st. New Years. The wife does not do New Years. Its Understandable as it is the anniversary of a terrible car accident she was involved where she lost someone special to here, and was lucky to escape with her life. We try to keep New Years quiet. As we have done for the past 2 years, my brother comes over and we watch movies and consume Pizza. (A good night ANY time in my books) This year we watched old episodes of Magnum PI (oh-yeah) and the Breakfast Club. Magnum has held up surprisingly well. I found the B>C fun, but, as I am not 15, the teen angst was a bit much for me. In some ways it made it more of a comedy to me, although, when I first saw it so many years ago I remember thinking how it totally nailed us teens. Anyway, it is a good memory film for me. Then we got sucked in fight Club which was playing on regular TV.
· Pepper the 24th – 31st with Some City of Heroes and Villians game time and that is how I spent the last part of 2005.
Not the most terribly exciting cap to the year is it?
I will try to recap the first part of the New Year soon!
I am listening to DJ Cheb I Sabbah. Indian / Dance fusion. The only artist that has really made this sound 100% natural without a hint of gimmick!
So, what have I been doing since December 19th?
· Last minute xmas shopping… right up to the 24th when I picked up City of Villians for Wifey at Best buy for 59.99!
· Xmas dinners. Both on xmas day and boxing day. Too much food and a week of recovery time. ‘Nuff said
· 27th. Found City of Villains at EB games for 19.99!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Bought 2 copies. One to replace more expensive version and one for me.
· 27th. Rearranged Dad’s basement to accommodate the new Treadmill we picked up for him on the 20th. Its also his workshop from where he runs his business. Heavy machinery to move as well.
· 28th and 29th. I caught a cold. Still went I to the office and was one only 5 people on my floor, so I sat around working alone and miserable
· 30th. I had a cold. I read a Star Wars EU novel called Dark Lord I got for xmas and REALLY enjoyed it, even though I find most other Star wars EU to be boring. For me, Star Wars is 50% visual, 45% Music and 5% story. So, when I enjoy just reading a Star Wars novel it is rare. I’ve read very few as a result
· 31st. New Years. The wife does not do New Years. Its Understandable as it is the anniversary of a terrible car accident she was involved where she lost someone special to here, and was lucky to escape with her life. We try to keep New Years quiet. As we have done for the past 2 years, my brother comes over and we watch movies and consume Pizza. (A good night ANY time in my books) This year we watched old episodes of Magnum PI (oh-yeah) and the Breakfast Club. Magnum has held up surprisingly well. I found the B>C fun, but, as I am not 15, the teen angst was a bit much for me. In some ways it made it more of a comedy to me, although, when I first saw it so many years ago I remember thinking how it totally nailed us teens. Anyway, it is a good memory film for me. Then we got sucked in fight Club which was playing on regular TV.
· Pepper the 24th – 31st with Some City of Heroes and Villians game time and that is how I spent the last part of 2005.
Not the most terribly exciting cap to the year is it?
I will try to recap the first part of the New Year soon!
I am listening to DJ Cheb I Sabbah. Indian / Dance fusion. The only artist that has really made this sound 100% natural without a hint of gimmick!
Monday, December 19, 2005
A more generous holiday outlook....
OK,
So I’m feeling a bit more generous towards the holidays today. I guess we can all be allowed to go a little insane from time to time…right? I mean it can get to all of us sometimes so lets just move on. I just put it in writing is all. I was a bit over the top yesterday in my loathing of the “season of joy”. What can I say?
Anyway, I am now on vacation for xmas… let the real work begin.
Part of my change in attitude may be because I had an xmas party today with work folk. I work at a great place with real nice people. One of the higher ups where I am invited our whole group to her home for some xmas cheer. Being me, ended up working until almost 3 even though she said we could knock off early at 2 pm (like I said, it’s a great place to work). So I showed up and my host graciously offered me a drink. She said “I have cocktails, wine, beer….” End of options so I chose beer. I was two swigs into my Corona and lime when I noticed that I appeared to be the only one in the group of 15 or so imbibing alcohol. Sudden horror. “Will they think I’m a lush?” I could hear them thinking, “Drinking beer at 3pm on a work day?” “How can we promote someone who drinks beer at their bosses house at 3pm!”uh-oh.
My direct supervisor looked at me a bit funny, but then I noticed some wine glasses around and felt better about it. Besides, they all knew that I worked in the Music business. To me being offered a beer at 3pm is late in the day day. I mean at my last job we had a beer fridge! Still, I was the only one in the room sipping beer from a bottle. Ah well. Hopefully by the time I am back at work in the New Year they will have forgotten.
Anyway I am glad to be on Vay-K!!!
Listening to Radiohead “Hail to the Thief”. I miss Radiohead. I forgot how good this record was. Gorgeous melodies and melancholy vocals. I’ve got my Radiohead, A cup of coffee and 8 days of time off ahead of me… Ahhhhhhh.
So I’m feeling a bit more generous towards the holidays today. I guess we can all be allowed to go a little insane from time to time…right? I mean it can get to all of us sometimes so lets just move on. I just put it in writing is all. I was a bit over the top yesterday in my loathing of the “season of joy”. What can I say?
Anyway, I am now on vacation for xmas… let the real work begin.
Part of my change in attitude may be because I had an xmas party today with work folk. I work at a great place with real nice people. One of the higher ups where I am invited our whole group to her home for some xmas cheer. Being me, ended up working until almost 3 even though she said we could knock off early at 2 pm (like I said, it’s a great place to work). So I showed up and my host graciously offered me a drink. She said “I have cocktails, wine, beer….” End of options so I chose beer. I was two swigs into my Corona and lime when I noticed that I appeared to be the only one in the group of 15 or so imbibing alcohol. Sudden horror. “Will they think I’m a lush?” I could hear them thinking, “Drinking beer at 3pm on a work day?” “How can we promote someone who drinks beer at their bosses house at 3pm!”uh-oh.
My direct supervisor looked at me a bit funny, but then I noticed some wine glasses around and felt better about it. Besides, they all knew that I worked in the Music business. To me being offered a beer at 3pm is late in the day day. I mean at my last job we had a beer fridge! Still, I was the only one in the room sipping beer from a bottle. Ah well. Hopefully by the time I am back at work in the New Year they will have forgotten.
Anyway I am glad to be on Vay-K!!!
Listening to Radiohead “Hail to the Thief”. I miss Radiohead. I forgot how good this record was. Gorgeous melodies and melancholy vocals. I’ve got my Radiohead, A cup of coffee and 8 days of time off ahead of me… Ahhhhhhh.
Sunday, December 18, 2005
You call this a Holiday?!?!?!?
Holiday.
Ok. So the roots of the word are in "holy-day".
We now call pretty much any time off a Holiday as most have become merely excuses for a day off.
So, with the Christmas Holidays here you would think that would mean some time off. A little RnR as it were right? Maybe some chesnuts roasting on an open Fire. A little bit of Bailey's in the coffee and goodwill towards men ( just quoting the saying is all - I'm all for Good will towards Women!)
Yet, here we are and I am stressed out. Behind me in my office is a stack of presents to wrap. On Friday I found myself obsessing over an order of Chocolate I made ovver the internet that absolutely, positively had to be here before monday morning. We are still trying to work out the location of our Monster Xmas dinner which has now come to include more people than envisioned and we are concerned that our relatively small house cannot house them all.
I have all my relatives to visit and drop little generic gifts off to so that they can clutter their houses even more. I mean, really, do I think that my aunts will use the specialty gourmet olive oil in a pretty bottle that I get them. NO! It will sit on the Kitchen counter for another year.
I still have loads of shopping to do. Hundreds of dollars of my hard earned money to spend. And in the end, everyone's opinion but my own on how we should do things matters.
Well, Fuck the Holidays. Gasp! Egads! He said it! C'mon. You were all thinking it.
Every year I see people paste on this Veneer of christmas cheer for the world. Yet in private coversations people always complain about the stress of the season and how much work it is. How much money they will spend, running around they will do and Unhealthy food they will eat.
And every year I will do the same. What's wrong with us?
Ok. So the roots of the word are in "holy-day".
We now call pretty much any time off a Holiday as most have become merely excuses for a day off.
So, with the Christmas Holidays here you would think that would mean some time off. A little RnR as it were right? Maybe some chesnuts roasting on an open Fire. A little bit of Bailey's in the coffee and goodwill towards men ( just quoting the saying is all - I'm all for Good will towards Women!)
Yet, here we are and I am stressed out. Behind me in my office is a stack of presents to wrap. On Friday I found myself obsessing over an order of Chocolate I made ovver the internet that absolutely, positively had to be here before monday morning. We are still trying to work out the location of our Monster Xmas dinner which has now come to include more people than envisioned and we are concerned that our relatively small house cannot house them all.
I have all my relatives to visit and drop little generic gifts off to so that they can clutter their houses even more. I mean, really, do I think that my aunts will use the specialty gourmet olive oil in a pretty bottle that I get them. NO! It will sit on the Kitchen counter for another year.
I still have loads of shopping to do. Hundreds of dollars of my hard earned money to spend. And in the end, everyone's opinion but my own on how we should do things matters.
Well, Fuck the Holidays. Gasp! Egads! He said it! C'mon. You were all thinking it.
Every year I see people paste on this Veneer of christmas cheer for the world. Yet in private coversations people always complain about the stress of the season and how much work it is. How much money they will spend, running around they will do and Unhealthy food they will eat.
And every year I will do the same. What's wrong with us?
Thursday, December 08, 2005
Of Guns and Men
The PM of Canada has just announced plans to make handguns illegal.
Its fine by me. A hundgun in a populous society has no other use than ot shoot another person. I like seeing that tighter controls are coming into place... Hopefully.
People talk about how this may infringe on our liberties here. I say that when sonething in created and has the power to kill others then giving up some "liberty" is a wise trade off. I am proud to live in a nation where we are free to do almost anything we would like. At the same time I am willing to live with restrictions if it is in the interest of public safety.
What concerns me more is that in the the course of a murder investigation recently, Toronto police canvassed and searched peopple homes with no reason to. While the perpetrator of such a heinous act needs to be found, I can't abide with searching people's homes with no good reason as to them being suspect to a crime. To me, his is a grave injustice, while limititng the proliferation of dangerous weapons should be applauded.
Its fine by me. A hundgun in a populous society has no other use than ot shoot another person. I like seeing that tighter controls are coming into place... Hopefully.
People talk about how this may infringe on our liberties here. I say that when sonething in created and has the power to kill others then giving up some "liberty" is a wise trade off. I am proud to live in a nation where we are free to do almost anything we would like. At the same time I am willing to live with restrictions if it is in the interest of public safety.
What concerns me more is that in the the course of a murder investigation recently, Toronto police canvassed and searched peopple homes with no reason to. While the perpetrator of such a heinous act needs to be found, I can't abide with searching people's homes with no good reason as to them being suspect to a crime. To me, his is a grave injustice, while limititng the proliferation of dangerous weapons should be applauded.
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
I love the Smell of memory in the morning
People say that the sense of smell is most closely linked to memory.
I'd like to nominate the sense of SONG.
Today, while working one of the rare Saturdays my job requires, I heard the
Smashing Pumkins version of "Lansslide". Immediately I was transported
back about 5 years ago to one New Years Day. I was lying in bed and turned
on the radio to hear the same song. it started just as I regained
consciousness and really set the tone for the rest of my day. I don't
think I had thought of that morning in a while, but, I clearly remember the
post New-years eve daze. We ushered out the old Millenium the night
before. I didn't celebrate as my Uncle had passed away only 3 days before.
He was more than an uncle to me, but, a second Father. I wouldn't be the
person I am today if not for my Uncle Rocky. I awoke in a melancholy daze.
The sublte guitar and Corgan's mellow whine easing me into the day. It
began to feel like a new era, even though I was one of the people who
complained that the new Millenium didn't really begin until 2001. I spent
the rest of the day playing PC games. I had just bought Half-life and a
new Modem with some Xmas money.
Anyway, I think that songs have the ability to transport you back in time.
Emotions, visions, memories all come back. No matter where else I hear
that song, I think that it will take me right back into that New Years
Morning. It still makes me sad, yet more than a bit hopeful.
I'd like to nominate the sense of SONG.
Today, while working one of the rare Saturdays my job requires, I heard the
Smashing Pumkins version of "Lansslide". Immediately I was transported
back about 5 years ago to one New Years Day. I was lying in bed and turned
on the radio to hear the same song. it started just as I regained
consciousness and really set the tone for the rest of my day. I don't
think I had thought of that morning in a while, but, I clearly remember the
post New-years eve daze. We ushered out the old Millenium the night
before. I didn't celebrate as my Uncle had passed away only 3 days before.
He was more than an uncle to me, but, a second Father. I wouldn't be the
person I am today if not for my Uncle Rocky. I awoke in a melancholy daze.
The sublte guitar and Corgan's mellow whine easing me into the day. It
began to feel like a new era, even though I was one of the people who
complained that the new Millenium didn't really begin until 2001. I spent
the rest of the day playing PC games. I had just bought Half-life and a
new Modem with some Xmas money.
Anyway, I think that songs have the ability to transport you back in time.
Emotions, visions, memories all come back. No matter where else I hear
that song, I think that it will take me right back into that New Years
Morning. It still makes me sad, yet more than a bit hopeful.
Saturday, November 26, 2005
new beginnings
I was able to visit my grandmother today. It was good.
Its amazing how anything between family can just disappear sometimes. I am thankful that I was able to mend that bridge and get a chance to reconnect.
I hope that I will be able to see her soon again.
My Brother, Sister and I owe our Great uncle a tremendous debt for making this possible.
I only wish that we all had worked this hard earlier and not let other people get in the way of our relationships.
I feel as though I have closure and can move on now.
Its amazing how anything between family can just disappear sometimes. I am thankful that I was able to mend that bridge and get a chance to reconnect.
I hope that I will be able to see her soon again.
My Brother, Sister and I owe our Great uncle a tremendous debt for making this possible.
I only wish that we all had worked this hard earlier and not let other people get in the way of our relationships.
I feel as though I have closure and can move on now.
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
Next steps
So things have resolved with my Grandmother's Situation to where my sister Brother and I will be able to see her over the weekend.
He Husband has relented to let us visit on the condition that he leaves while we are there. It’s not how one would ever like to see things go but there is some comfort to be found there for all of us.... I hope.
It’s been a crappy week in so many ways.
Wife called me at work to give me a "phone Hug" upon hearing the news that I would be able to see my Grandmother. Ostensibly, to say goodbye. Turns out that she injured her shoulder at work when a co-worker who tripped leaned a bit to hard on her to stop her fall. I hope it isn't to bad, but she is having some trouble moving it right now.
I am beginning to feel as though things are a bit too much. My work is suffering along with my whole life due to the family issues we are having.
The situation with Grandma started years ago. My Grandfather committed suicide. He was an alcoholic. Six months later my grandma announced that she was marrying a "family friend". In the end it turns out that she had been having an affair with him for many years prior. I can handle all that. We are all human and we all make mistakes, even though she didn't see any. This hurt my mom tremendously. My mother became ill with breast cancer and passed away when I was 26. About a month before my mom died, Grandma announced to us that she was going on vacation to Cuba for two weeks. My Mother was bed ridden at the time and they had stopped doing Chemo. We were told that it was just a matter of time. I understand the need to get away, but I had trouble reconciling how someone could leave to go work on a tan when your child is literally dying. While my mother was in the hospital (we rushed her in while grandma was on vacation)My mom told me how hurt she was by my Grandmother's action. "You see how much she cares for me" she said, crying in a morphine daze. my mother never really walked again save for a few steps after that, and most of the time was spent in hopsital save for a few days after my niece was born.
Two weeks after my niece was born my mother passed on, having struggled to see and hold her first grandchild. But, my mother was always hurt by my grandmother’s vacation decision. About a month after my mother died my Father and my Grandmother had a messy falling out. He told her that he didn’t want to have anything to do with her. I was still living at home and I guess that made it difficult for her to contact me. In the end I just never called her. Her Husband and our family never got along and after the business with my Father I just never called. She never got in touch with me and close to 8 years has passed. I'm not sure how. I hold no bad feelings. I'm glad she wants to see me, but it was only this week that I had heard from anyone on my Mother's side of the family. For what ever reason. I never looked for them either so I guess that there is more than enough blame for all of us.
I am haunted by feelings that I should have called my Grandma. It’s what a good grandson does right? But in the years after my mom passed away I was a mess as I found myself taking care of my younger brother and father. I kind of assumed the role of mother for them. After years of not hearing from my grandmother or her family (no birthday or xmas cards flowed in either direction I am sad to say) I just figured that this was how things were going to be.
I'm thankful she wants to see me. I guess I just needed someone to reach out to me from my mom's family. My uncle from Italy did. I don't forgive myself for not calling my grandma, but, at the same time in the first painful months after losing my mom, none of her family was there for me. I found in those days who my true friends were as well. The people who truly cared about me were there for me in some way.
I'm looking towards the future now. Just knowing that my grandma is willing to see me has given some level of comfort. And I can only hope that it has done the same for her.
Time moves to swiftly. I can't believe that 8 years have passed.
He Husband has relented to let us visit on the condition that he leaves while we are there. It’s not how one would ever like to see things go but there is some comfort to be found there for all of us.... I hope.
It’s been a crappy week in so many ways.
Wife called me at work to give me a "phone Hug" upon hearing the news that I would be able to see my Grandmother. Ostensibly, to say goodbye. Turns out that she injured her shoulder at work when a co-worker who tripped leaned a bit to hard on her to stop her fall. I hope it isn't to bad, but she is having some trouble moving it right now.
I am beginning to feel as though things are a bit too much. My work is suffering along with my whole life due to the family issues we are having.
The situation with Grandma started years ago. My Grandfather committed suicide. He was an alcoholic. Six months later my grandma announced that she was marrying a "family friend". In the end it turns out that she had been having an affair with him for many years prior. I can handle all that. We are all human and we all make mistakes, even though she didn't see any. This hurt my mom tremendously. My mother became ill with breast cancer and passed away when I was 26. About a month before my mom died, Grandma announced to us that she was going on vacation to Cuba for two weeks. My Mother was bed ridden at the time and they had stopped doing Chemo. We were told that it was just a matter of time. I understand the need to get away, but I had trouble reconciling how someone could leave to go work on a tan when your child is literally dying. While my mother was in the hospital (we rushed her in while grandma was on vacation)My mom told me how hurt she was by my Grandmother's action. "You see how much she cares for me" she said, crying in a morphine daze. my mother never really walked again save for a few steps after that, and most of the time was spent in hopsital save for a few days after my niece was born.
Two weeks after my niece was born my mother passed on, having struggled to see and hold her first grandchild. But, my mother was always hurt by my grandmother’s vacation decision. About a month after my mother died my Father and my Grandmother had a messy falling out. He told her that he didn’t want to have anything to do with her. I was still living at home and I guess that made it difficult for her to contact me. In the end I just never called her. Her Husband and our family never got along and after the business with my Father I just never called. She never got in touch with me and close to 8 years has passed. I'm not sure how. I hold no bad feelings. I'm glad she wants to see me, but it was only this week that I had heard from anyone on my Mother's side of the family. For what ever reason. I never looked for them either so I guess that there is more than enough blame for all of us.
I am haunted by feelings that I should have called my Grandma. It’s what a good grandson does right? But in the years after my mom passed away I was a mess as I found myself taking care of my younger brother and father. I kind of assumed the role of mother for them. After years of not hearing from my grandmother or her family (no birthday or xmas cards flowed in either direction I am sad to say) I just figured that this was how things were going to be.
I'm thankful she wants to see me. I guess I just needed someone to reach out to me from my mom's family. My uncle from Italy did. I don't forgive myself for not calling my grandma, but, at the same time in the first painful months after losing my mom, none of her family was there for me. I found in those days who my true friends were as well. The people who truly cared about me were there for me in some way.
I'm looking towards the future now. Just knowing that my grandma is willing to see me has given some level of comfort. And I can only hope that it has done the same for her.
Time moves to swiftly. I can't believe that 8 years have passed.
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
Hard Days
Its been a few days now and still no change in the situation with My grandmother.
Unfortunately, her husband (she remarried) and outr family just can't seem to get along. THat's the root of all the issues.
My siblings and I have expressed that we would very much like to mend what is left, but he is insistent that we do not see her.
I don't see how we can resolve this. I fear that this is something that I will have to carry with me.
Bad times
Bad times
Unfortunately, her husband (she remarried) and outr family just can't seem to get along. THat's the root of all the issues.
My siblings and I have expressed that we would very much like to mend what is left, but he is insistent that we do not see her.
I don't see how we can resolve this. I fear that this is something that I will have to carry with me.
Bad times
Bad times
Friday, November 18, 2005
Where do we go?
Difficult days lie ahead of me I'm afraid.
My Grandmother (my mother's Mother) and I have been estranged for coming up on 8 years. There is no reason. After my mother passed away My father and her had a falling out. We just didnt stay in contact. I never called her and she never called me. I can't say why.
Its odd, but I'd assume that she feels its my fault. Given that it dshould have been my responsibility. My suster stayed in contact with her, but, she too had a falling out about a year ago. My Grandmother is dying. I feel as though i need to mend this.
I always think of myself as a devoted family person. I guess that's only somewhat true. I am meeting my sister today so that we can try to figure out what to do.
I hate thinking that I have hurt my Grandmother in anyway. I didn't mean to. I just didn't call. and she didn't call me.
Somtimes i just feel like a giant stinking pile of shit. In my life I can say that this issue is the only one that I feel has been weighing on me. I am so completely happy with everything else.
When I lost my mom, I guess that I was in a bad headspace. I needed time on my own and craved solitude. Unfortunately, I was never able to get that, and in the process I fear that I have pushed people away. Or maybe I am just looking for excuses? I don't know.
My Grandmother (my mother's Mother) and I have been estranged for coming up on 8 years. There is no reason. After my mother passed away My father and her had a falling out. We just didnt stay in contact. I never called her and she never called me. I can't say why.
Its odd, but I'd assume that she feels its my fault. Given that it dshould have been my responsibility. My suster stayed in contact with her, but, she too had a falling out about a year ago. My Grandmother is dying. I feel as though i need to mend this.
I always think of myself as a devoted family person. I guess that's only somewhat true. I am meeting my sister today so that we can try to figure out what to do.
I hate thinking that I have hurt my Grandmother in anyway. I didn't mean to. I just didn't call. and she didn't call me.
Somtimes i just feel like a giant stinking pile of shit. In my life I can say that this issue is the only one that I feel has been weighing on me. I am so completely happy with everything else.
When I lost my mom, I guess that I was in a bad headspace. I needed time on my own and craved solitude. Unfortunately, I was never able to get that, and in the process I fear that I have pushed people away. Or maybe I am just looking for excuses? I don't know.
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
City of Heroes is a Black Hole of Time
I found out tonight how much time I have spent playing COH... Its sad
Not much going on today. It was a 5:30 morning so I am tired.
Not much going on today. It was a 5:30 morning so I am tired.
Saturday, November 12, 2005
Miscellany of the weekend
Is Miscellany a word? I could Check... but if its not a word I'll want to take it out. Since I like it, I won't check and wait see if it gets adopted into the common language.
Saturdays. Ahh. My PC. Some net surfing. About 20 cups of Coffee. Now thats what I'm tlking about. Saturdays have a certaqin ritual to them for us. I save the episode of Lost from the previous wednesday and watch while I have my first coffee of the day. Tehn we clean our house. Then whatever. Then dinner at dad's house. Its all pretty routine and sometimes I feel like we should be trying different things of doing something else, but, it seems to work. I hope.
Today I am listening to The Flaming Lips' "Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots". I'm a new convert to them although I know that they have a rabid fanbase. There are some truly great moments on this record and its kinda sad that they will most likely be rememebered for "Do you realize" being used in a car commercial.
Work is going well. I was recently moved into a new spot in september. The "Cube Swap" is always difficult. I've been through three moves in the year that I have been at this job. The last one was particularly hard. I left what was really the best working experince I have ever had and moved into a new group that two months in is still looking for their groove. My old team was AWESOME. From the first day I joined them I could tell that it was just going to click. There was a sense of camraderie and an unspoken pact of mutual sucess. We all knew that if we were to seceed, the best way was to do it together. My new group is a bit different. We have an amazing manager and assistant, and all ou individual realationships are great, but, one member is overly ambitious. And, is willing to take any opportunity afforded to up their cachet, while making it appear as though otheres are not pulling their weight. Add in a strong case of "holier than thou" syndrome and its unfortunate to see how someone who is otherwise very sweet, and I would consider to be a good friend (well friend is abit strong so lets go with... contemporary), becomes so difficult to work sucessfully with. Anyway, just my thoughts. I wonder if she blogs and what her thoughts of our team dynamic are?
But that's enough Work-talk for the weekend. I think I will enter the city of Heroes!!
Saturdays. Ahh. My PC. Some net surfing. About 20 cups of Coffee. Now thats what I'm tlking about. Saturdays have a certaqin ritual to them for us. I save the episode of Lost from the previous wednesday and watch while I have my first coffee of the day. Tehn we clean our house. Then whatever. Then dinner at dad's house. Its all pretty routine and sometimes I feel like we should be trying different things of doing something else, but, it seems to work. I hope.
Today I am listening to The Flaming Lips' "Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots". I'm a new convert to them although I know that they have a rabid fanbase. There are some truly great moments on this record and its kinda sad that they will most likely be rememebered for "Do you realize" being used in a car commercial.
Work is going well. I was recently moved into a new spot in september. The "Cube Swap" is always difficult. I've been through three moves in the year that I have been at this job. The last one was particularly hard. I left what was really the best working experince I have ever had and moved into a new group that two months in is still looking for their groove. My old team was AWESOME. From the first day I joined them I could tell that it was just going to click. There was a sense of camraderie and an unspoken pact of mutual sucess. We all knew that if we were to seceed, the best way was to do it together. My new group is a bit different. We have an amazing manager and assistant, and all ou individual realationships are great, but, one member is overly ambitious. And, is willing to take any opportunity afforded to up their cachet, while making it appear as though otheres are not pulling their weight. Add in a strong case of "holier than thou" syndrome and its unfortunate to see how someone who is otherwise very sweet, and I would consider to be a good friend (well friend is abit strong so lets go with... contemporary), becomes so difficult to work sucessfully with. Anyway, just my thoughts. I wonder if she blogs and what her thoughts of our team dynamic are?
But that's enough Work-talk for the weekend. I think I will enter the city of Heroes!!
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
And on to the mid-week
I sometimes worry about my wifey. She does way too much. She keeps taking on more work until she is absolutely consumed and I feel helpless. She is an overacheiver and feels that she can always do more, but there comes a time when one has to say enough. I've tried to tell her this in the past, but she gets defenseive and says that all these things are important to her and her kids (she's an educator). I feel helpless and as a result I kind of go into "don't pay attention to the problem and just be supportive" mode. Most days I react by just trying to make her laugh a bit. I'm not sure if that helps, but, at the same time, I don't want her to give up things that are important to her. But, I don't think that she needs to run herself ragged either. If she takes on too much, then it becomes difficult to do all or any of them to the fullest potential,and she suffers no matter how mind-numbingly amazing she is...
Maybe I need to find better ways to support her... Somedays I feel like its best to just let her go and do her thing. Others I want to just try and get her to stop doing so much. Most of the time, since I am naturally afraid of any kind of conflict, i just let things go and try to be there. I can't change any one and I am in no position to tell anyone what to do.
Maybe I need to find better ways to support her... Somedays I feel like its best to just let her go and do her thing. Others I want to just try and get her to stop doing so much. Most of the time, since I am naturally afraid of any kind of conflict, i just let things go and try to be there. I can't change any one and I am in no position to tell anyone what to do.
Monday, November 07, 2005
Another one down
There goes another weekend. Ah well., alomist time to get back to the grind.
I hooked up with my friend on saturday and he is keeping upbeat and positive about the possibilty that he suffered a stroke. He figures that it has been 2 years and he has led a normal life so that has calmed him down. His wife is very worried though. I would imagine so. Anyway, he's in much better spirits than his e-mail from last week let on, so, i guess that at least is a good thing.
Yesterday was City of Heroes Task Force Mission day. Damn video game. There went like 6 hours of my sunday. But, oh, was it fun!
I hooked up with my friend on saturday and he is keeping upbeat and positive about the possibilty that he suffered a stroke. He figures that it has been 2 years and he has led a normal life so that has calmed him down. His wife is very worried though. I would imagine so. Anyway, he's in much better spirits than his e-mail from last week let on, so, i guess that at least is a good thing.
Yesterday was City of Heroes Task Force Mission day. Damn video game. There went like 6 hours of my sunday. But, oh, was it fun!
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