Next steps

So things have resolved with my Grandmother's Situation to where my sister Brother and I will be able to see her over the weekend.

He Husband has relented to let us visit on the condition that he leaves while we are there. It’s not how one would ever like to see things go but there is some comfort to be found there for all of us.... I hope.

It’s been a crappy week in so many ways.

Wife called me at work to give me a "phone Hug" upon hearing the news that I would be able to see my Grandmother. Ostensibly, to say goodbye. Turns out that she injured her shoulder at work when a co-worker who tripped leaned a bit to hard on her to stop her fall. I hope it isn't to bad, but she is having some trouble moving it right now.

I am beginning to feel as though things are a bit too much. My work is suffering along with my whole life due to the family issues we are having.

The situation with Grandma started years ago. My Grandfather committed suicide. He was an alcoholic. Six months later my grandma announced that she was marrying a "family friend". In the end it turns out that she had been having an affair with him for many years prior. I can handle all that. We are all human and we all make mistakes, even though she didn't see any. This hurt my mom tremendously. My mother became ill with breast cancer and passed away when I was 26. About a month before my mom died, Grandma announced to us that she was going on vacation to Cuba for two weeks. My Mother was bed ridden at the time and they had stopped doing Chemo. We were told that it was just a matter of time. I understand the need to get away, but I had trouble reconciling how someone could leave to go work on a tan when your child is literally dying. While my mother was in the hospital (we rushed her in while grandma was on vacation)My mom told me how hurt she was by my Grandmother's action. "You see how much she cares for me" she said, crying in a morphine daze. my mother never really walked again save for a few steps after that, and most of the time was spent in hopsital save for a few days after my niece was born.

Two weeks after my niece was born my mother passed on, having struggled to see and hold her first grandchild. But, my mother was always hurt by my grandmother’s vacation decision. About a month after my mother died my Father and my Grandmother had a messy falling out. He told her that he didn’t want to have anything to do with her. I was still living at home and I guess that made it difficult for her to contact me. In the end I just never called her. Her Husband and our family never got along and after the business with my Father I just never called. She never got in touch with me and close to 8 years has passed. I'm not sure how. I hold no bad feelings. I'm glad she wants to see me, but it was only this week that I had heard from anyone on my Mother's side of the family. For what ever reason. I never looked for them either so I guess that there is more than enough blame for all of us.

I am haunted by feelings that I should have called my Grandma. It’s what a good grandson does right? But in the years after my mom passed away I was a mess as I found myself taking care of my younger brother and father. I kind of assumed the role of mother for them. After years of not hearing from my grandmother or her family (no birthday or xmas cards flowed in either direction I am sad to say) I just figured that this was how things were going to be.

I'm thankful she wants to see me. I guess I just needed someone to reach out to me from my mom's family. My uncle from Italy did. I don't forgive myself for not calling my grandma, but, at the same time in the first painful months after losing my mom, none of her family was there for me. I found in those days who my true friends were as well. The people who truly cared about me were there for me in some way.

I'm looking towards the future now. Just knowing that my grandma is willing to see me has given some level of comfort. And I can only hope that it has done the same for her.

Time moves to swiftly. I can't believe that 8 years have passed.