The last days of 2005!

So I haven’t posted in a while… Did I mention that I suck at doing stuff like this?

So, what have I been doing since December 19th?

· Last minute xmas shopping… right up to the 24th when I picked up City of Villians for Wifey at Best buy for 59.99!
· Xmas dinners. Both on xmas day and boxing day. Too much food and a week of recovery time. ‘Nuff said
· 27th. Found City of Villains at EB games for 19.99!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Bought 2 copies. One to replace more expensive version and one for me.
· 27th. Rearranged Dad’s basement to accommodate the new Treadmill we picked up for him on the 20th. Its also his workshop from where he runs his business. Heavy machinery to move as well.
· 28th and 29th. I caught a cold. Still went I to the office and was one only 5 people on my floor, so I sat around working alone and miserable
· 30th. I had a cold. I read a Star Wars EU novel called Dark Lord I got for xmas and REALLY enjoyed it, even though I find most other Star wars EU to be boring. For me, Star Wars is 50% visual, 45% Music and 5% story. So, when I enjoy just reading a Star Wars novel it is rare. I’ve read very few as a result
· 31st. New Years. The wife does not do New Years. Its Understandable as it is the anniversary of a terrible car accident she was involved where she lost someone special to here, and was lucky to escape with her life. We try to keep New Years quiet. As we have done for the past 2 years, my brother comes over and we watch movies and consume Pizza. (A good night ANY time in my books) This year we watched old episodes of Magnum PI (oh-yeah) and the Breakfast Club. Magnum has held up surprisingly well. I found the B>C fun, but, as I am not 15, the teen angst was a bit much for me. In some ways it made it more of a comedy to me, although, when I first saw it so many years ago I remember thinking how it totally nailed us teens. Anyway, it is a good memory film for me. Then we got sucked in fight Club which was playing on regular TV.
· Pepper the 24th – 31st with Some City of Heroes and Villians game time and that is how I spent the last part of 2005.

Not the most terribly exciting cap to the year is it?

I will try to recap the first part of the New Year soon!

I am listening to DJ Cheb I Sabbah. Indian / Dance fusion. The only artist that has really made this sound 100% natural without a hint of gimmick!

A more generous holiday outlook....

OK,

So I’m feeling a bit more generous towards the holidays today. I guess we can all be allowed to go a little insane from time to time…right? I mean it can get to all of us sometimes so lets just move on. I just put it in writing is all. I was a bit over the top yesterday in my loathing of the “season of joy”. What can I say?

Anyway, I am now on vacation for xmas… let the real work begin.

Part of my change in attitude may be because I had an xmas party today with work folk. I work at a great place with real nice people. One of the higher ups where I am invited our whole group to her home for some xmas cheer. Being me, ended up working until almost 3 even though she said we could knock off early at 2 pm (like I said, it’s a great place to work). So I showed up and my host graciously offered me a drink. She said “I have cocktails, wine, beer….” End of options so I chose beer. I was two swigs into my Corona and lime when I noticed that I appeared to be the only one in the group of 15 or so imbibing alcohol. Sudden horror. “Will they think I’m a lush?” I could hear them thinking, “Drinking beer at 3pm on a work day?” “How can we promote someone who drinks beer at their bosses house at 3pm!”uh-oh.

My direct supervisor looked at me a bit funny, but then I noticed some wine glasses around and felt better about it. Besides, they all knew that I worked in the Music business. To me being offered a beer at 3pm is late in the day day. I mean at my last job we had a beer fridge! Still, I was the only one in the room sipping beer from a bottle. Ah well. Hopefully by the time I am back at work in the New Year they will have forgotten.

Anyway I am glad to be on Vay-K!!!

Listening to Radiohead “Hail to the Thief”. I miss Radiohead. I forgot how good this record was. Gorgeous melodies and melancholy vocals. I’ve got my Radiohead, A cup of coffee and 8 days of time off ahead of me… Ahhhhhhh.

You call this a Holiday?!?!?!?

Holiday.

Ok. So the roots of the word are in "holy-day".
We now call pretty much any time off a Holiday as most have become merely excuses for a day off.

So, with the Christmas Holidays here you would think that would mean some time off. A little RnR as it were right? Maybe some chesnuts roasting on an open Fire. A little bit of Bailey's in the coffee and goodwill towards men ( just quoting the saying is all - I'm all for Good will towards Women!)

Yet, here we are and I am stressed out. Behind me in my office is a stack of presents to wrap. On Friday I found myself obsessing over an order of Chocolate I made ovver the internet that absolutely, positively had to be here before monday morning. We are still trying to work out the location of our Monster Xmas dinner which has now come to include more people than envisioned and we are concerned that our relatively small house cannot house them all.

I have all my relatives to visit and drop little generic gifts off to so that they can clutter their houses even more. I mean, really, do I think that my aunts will use the specialty gourmet olive oil in a pretty bottle that I get them. NO! It will sit on the Kitchen counter for another year.

I still have loads of shopping to do. Hundreds of dollars of my hard earned money to spend. And in the end, everyone's opinion but my own on how we should do things matters.

Well, Fuck the Holidays. Gasp! Egads! He said it! C'mon. You were all thinking it.

Every year I see people paste on this Veneer of christmas cheer for the world. Yet in private coversations people always complain about the stress of the season and how much work it is. How much money they will spend, running around they will do and Unhealthy food they will eat.

And every year I will do the same. What's wrong with us?

Of Guns and Men

The PM of Canada has just announced plans to make handguns illegal.

Its fine by me. A hundgun in a populous society has no other use than ot shoot another person. I like seeing that tighter controls are coming into place... Hopefully.

People talk about how this may infringe on our liberties here. I say that when sonething in created and has the power to kill others then giving up some "liberty" is a wise trade off. I am proud to live in a nation where we are free to do almost anything we would like. At the same time I am willing to live with restrictions if it is in the interest of public safety.

What concerns me more is that in the the course of a murder investigation recently, Toronto police canvassed and searched peopple homes with no reason to. While the perpetrator of such a heinous act needs to be found, I can't abide with searching people's homes with no good reason as to them being suspect to a crime. To me, his is a grave injustice, while limititng the proliferation of dangerous weapons should be applauded.

I love the Smell of memory in the morning

People say that the sense of smell is most closely linked to memory.

I'd like to nominate the sense of SONG.

Today, while working one of the rare Saturdays my job requires, I heard the
Smashing Pumkins version of "Lansslide". Immediately I was transported
back about 5 years ago to one New Years Day. I was lying in bed and turned
on the radio to hear the same song. it started just as I regained
consciousness and really set the tone for the rest of my day. I don't
think I had thought of that morning in a while, but, I clearly remember the
post New-years eve daze. We ushered out the old Millenium the night
before. I didn't celebrate as my Uncle had passed away only 3 days before.
He was more than an uncle to me, but, a second Father. I wouldn't be the
person I am today if not for my Uncle Rocky. I awoke in a melancholy daze.
The sublte guitar and Corgan's mellow whine easing me into the day. It
began to feel like a new era, even though I was one of the people who
complained that the new Millenium didn't really begin until 2001. I spent
the rest of the day playing PC games. I had just bought Half-life and a
new Modem with some Xmas money.

Anyway, I think that songs have the ability to transport you back in time.
Emotions, visions, memories all come back. No matter where else I hear
that song, I think that it will take me right back into that New Years
Morning. It still makes me sad, yet more than a bit hopeful.

new beginnings

I was able to visit my grandmother today. It was good.

Its amazing how anything between family can just disappear sometimes. I am thankful that I was able to mend that bridge and get a chance to reconnect.

I hope that I will be able to see her soon again.

My Brother, Sister and I owe our Great uncle a tremendous debt for making this possible.

I only wish that we all had worked this hard earlier and not let other people get in the way of our relationships.

I feel as though I have closure and can move on now.

Next steps

So things have resolved with my Grandmother's Situation to where my sister Brother and I will be able to see her over the weekend.

He Husband has relented to let us visit on the condition that he leaves while we are there. It’s not how one would ever like to see things go but there is some comfort to be found there for all of us.... I hope.

It’s been a crappy week in so many ways.

Wife called me at work to give me a "phone Hug" upon hearing the news that I would be able to see my Grandmother. Ostensibly, to say goodbye. Turns out that she injured her shoulder at work when a co-worker who tripped leaned a bit to hard on her to stop her fall. I hope it isn't to bad, but she is having some trouble moving it right now.

I am beginning to feel as though things are a bit too much. My work is suffering along with my whole life due to the family issues we are having.

The situation with Grandma started years ago. My Grandfather committed suicide. He was an alcoholic. Six months later my grandma announced that she was marrying a "family friend". In the end it turns out that she had been having an affair with him for many years prior. I can handle all that. We are all human and we all make mistakes, even though she didn't see any. This hurt my mom tremendously. My mother became ill with breast cancer and passed away when I was 26. About a month before my mom died, Grandma announced to us that she was going on vacation to Cuba for two weeks. My Mother was bed ridden at the time and they had stopped doing Chemo. We were told that it was just a matter of time. I understand the need to get away, but I had trouble reconciling how someone could leave to go work on a tan when your child is literally dying. While my mother was in the hospital (we rushed her in while grandma was on vacation)My mom told me how hurt she was by my Grandmother's action. "You see how much she cares for me" she said, crying in a morphine daze. my mother never really walked again save for a few steps after that, and most of the time was spent in hopsital save for a few days after my niece was born.

Two weeks after my niece was born my mother passed on, having struggled to see and hold her first grandchild. But, my mother was always hurt by my grandmother’s vacation decision. About a month after my mother died my Father and my Grandmother had a messy falling out. He told her that he didn’t want to have anything to do with her. I was still living at home and I guess that made it difficult for her to contact me. In the end I just never called her. Her Husband and our family never got along and after the business with my Father I just never called. She never got in touch with me and close to 8 years has passed. I'm not sure how. I hold no bad feelings. I'm glad she wants to see me, but it was only this week that I had heard from anyone on my Mother's side of the family. For what ever reason. I never looked for them either so I guess that there is more than enough blame for all of us.

I am haunted by feelings that I should have called my Grandma. It’s what a good grandson does right? But in the years after my mom passed away I was a mess as I found myself taking care of my younger brother and father. I kind of assumed the role of mother for them. After years of not hearing from my grandmother or her family (no birthday or xmas cards flowed in either direction I am sad to say) I just figured that this was how things were going to be.

I'm thankful she wants to see me. I guess I just needed someone to reach out to me from my mom's family. My uncle from Italy did. I don't forgive myself for not calling my grandma, but, at the same time in the first painful months after losing my mom, none of her family was there for me. I found in those days who my true friends were as well. The people who truly cared about me were there for me in some way.

I'm looking towards the future now. Just knowing that my grandma is willing to see me has given some level of comfort. And I can only hope that it has done the same for her.

Time moves to swiftly. I can't believe that 8 years have passed.

Hard Days

Its been a few days now and still no change in the situation with My grandmother.

Unfortunately, her husband (she remarried) and outr family just can't seem to get along. THat's the root of all the issues.

My siblings and I have expressed that we would very much like to mend what is left, but he is insistent that we do not see her.

I don't see how we can resolve this. I fear that this is something that I will have to carry with me.

Bad times

Bad times

Where do we go?

Difficult days lie ahead of me I'm afraid.

My Grandmother (my mother's Mother) and I have been estranged for coming up on 8 years. There is no reason. After my mother passed away My father and her had a falling out. We just didnt stay in contact. I never called her and she never called me. I can't say why.

Its odd, but I'd assume that she feels its my fault. Given that it dshould have been my responsibility. My suster stayed in contact with her, but, she too had a falling out about a year ago. My Grandmother is dying. I feel as though i need to mend this.

I always think of myself as a devoted family person. I guess that's only somewhat true. I am meeting my sister today so that we can try to figure out what to do.

I hate thinking that I have hurt my Grandmother in anyway. I didn't mean to. I just didn't call. and she didn't call me.

Somtimes i just feel like a giant stinking pile of shit. In my life I can say that this issue is the only one that I feel has been weighing on me. I am so completely happy with everything else.


When I lost my mom, I guess that I was in a bad headspace. I needed time on my own and craved solitude. Unfortunately, I was never able to get that, and in the process I fear that I have pushed people away. Or maybe I am just looking for excuses? I don't know.

City of Heroes is a Black Hole of Time

I found out tonight how much time I have spent playing COH... Its sad

Not much going on today. It was a 5:30 morning so I am tired.

Miscellany of the weekend

Is Miscellany a word? I could Check... but if its not a word I'll want to take it out. Since I like it, I won't check and wait see if it gets adopted into the common language.

Saturdays. Ahh. My PC. Some net surfing. About 20 cups of Coffee. Now thats what I'm tlking about. Saturdays have a certaqin ritual to them for us. I save the episode of Lost from the previous wednesday and watch while I have my first coffee of the day. Tehn we clean our house. Then whatever. Then dinner at dad's house. Its all pretty routine and sometimes I feel like we should be trying different things of doing something else, but, it seems to work. I hope.

Today I am listening to The Flaming Lips' "Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots". I'm a new convert to them although I know that they have a rabid fanbase. There are some truly great moments on this record and its kinda sad that they will most likely be rememebered for "Do you realize" being used in a car commercial.

Work is going well. I was recently moved into a new spot in september. The "Cube Swap" is always difficult. I've been through three moves in the year that I have been at this job. The last one was particularly hard. I left what was really the best working experince I have ever had and moved into a new group that two months in is still looking for their groove. My old team was AWESOME. From the first day I joined them I could tell that it was just going to click. There was a sense of camraderie and an unspoken pact of mutual sucess. We all knew that if we were to seceed, the best way was to do it together. My new group is a bit different. We have an amazing manager and assistant, and all ou individual realationships are great, but, one member is overly ambitious. And, is willing to take any opportunity afforded to up their cachet, while making it appear as though otheres are not pulling their weight. Add in a strong case of "holier than thou" syndrome and its unfortunate to see how someone who is otherwise very sweet, and I would consider to be a good friend (well friend is abit strong so lets go with... contemporary), becomes so difficult to work sucessfully with. Anyway, just my thoughts. I wonder if she blogs and what her thoughts of our team dynamic are?

But that's enough Work-talk for the weekend. I think I will enter the city of Heroes!!

And on to the mid-week

I sometimes worry about my wifey. She does way too much. She keeps taking on more work until she is absolutely consumed and I feel helpless. She is an overacheiver and feels that she can always do more, but there comes a time when one has to say enough. I've tried to tell her this in the past, but she gets defenseive and says that all these things are important to her and her kids (she's an educator). I feel helpless and as a result I kind of go into "don't pay attention to the problem and just be supportive" mode. Most days I react by just trying to make her laugh a bit. I'm not sure if that helps, but, at the same time, I don't want her to give up things that are important to her. But, I don't think that she needs to run herself ragged either. If she takes on too much, then it becomes difficult to do all or any of them to the fullest potential,and she suffers no matter how mind-numbingly amazing she is...

Maybe I need to find better ways to support her... Somedays I feel like its best to just let her go and do her thing. Others I want to just try and get her to stop doing so much. Most of the time, since I am naturally afraid of any kind of conflict, i just let things go and try to be there. I can't change any one and I am in no position to tell anyone what to do.

Another one down

There goes another weekend. Ah well., alomist time to get back to the grind.


I hooked up with my friend on saturday and he is keeping upbeat and positive about the possibilty that he suffered a stroke. He figures that it has been 2 years and he has led a normal life so that has calmed him down. His wife is very worried though. I would imagine so. Anyway, he's in much better spirits than his e-mail from last week let on, so, i guess that at least is a good thing.

Yesterday was City of Heroes Task Force Mission day. Damn video game. There went like 6 hours of my sunday. But, oh, was it fun!

Another one down

There goes another weekend. Ah well., alomist time to get back to the grind.


I hooked up with my friend on saturday and he is keeping upbeat and positive about the possibilty that he suffered a stroke. He figures that it has been 2 years and he has led a normal life so that has calmed him down. His wife is very worried though. I would imagine so. Anyway, he's in much better spirits than his e-mail from last week let on, so, i guess that at least is a good thing.

Yesterday was City of Heroes Task Force Mission day. Damn video game. There went like 6 hours of my sunday. But, oh, was it fun!

Last night we had PIzza with my family. The Weekly Family dinner is a strong tradition in Italian families and wifey is still adjusting to it.

All in all it was a fun week-end.

Too bad it has to come to an end.

Saturday Thoughts

So its Saturday and a usually busy weekend.

Mother-in-Laws B-day so we have the usual B-day dinner to attend with the Wife, Family friends and Mom's new boyfriend.

This afternoon I am meeting an old friend for a cup of coffee. Him and I have been good friends since the 7th grade, with a respite in between when we attended different Hih schools. We hooked up again in our first year of University and have been close since. THat would put us at oh....wow somwehere in the neighborhood of 20 years of friendship! Hadn't done that math before and suddenly I feel very old..
we keep in touch via almost daily e-mails and try to hook up when possible. It gets harder as life changes though. He is married and has a 3 year old little cutie of a daughter. Me, well somehow alll my time just disappears.

He is a bit concerned as of late. He has had a persistent twich in one of his eyes or 2 years now. The doctors told him it was stress and as he was under a great deal of stress 2 years ago (work stuff) it puts the time right. But, after 2 years with no improvement his doc is now telling him htat he may have had a mild stroke and is sending him for a battery of tests. Needless to say, having a family of his own he is concerned. As am I. I can't imagine getting that news at our age. Strokes are something that happens to Old people. Real old people. Not us old people in training who are approaching mid-life. My thoughts are that they will find another culprit fo rthe twitch and that the doc is jsut tryingto cover all the bases. But, why tell him that. Tell him that you are testing for some sort of nerve damage. Say its stress related. You tell a 34 year father that he may have had a stroke and you might as well give him one. People don't need that kind of stress form health care professionals. Especially when its just a theory! I maen, at this moment he is probably thinking "OH my god! What if I ahve another one and can't work to provide for my babby". Who needs that kind of stress!

The doc has given him other alternatives of what may be causing it, but, like anyone he is focused on the stroke part of the conversation. BAH! no-one wants a doctor to lie to them, but at the same time, why give them the worst case scenario off the top! I've dealt with my fair share of doctors in my life as my family has gone through many serious illnesses. When will they star to teach doctors a little bit of respect for people's feelings.

Anyway. I guess my job is to be there for him and listen to his concerns. He goes for a c-t scan on monday.

I was up prety late last night playing City of Heroes with the Floridian Gang and a fellow Canuck. What I had intended as a short game turned into quite the session.

Today I am listening to Radio-head's OK Computer. Mainly because the 5 disc had that in it. Its one of those records that I can put on at anytime and just get engrossed in. Beautiful. A true top 10 all timer for me.

oh the difference an hour can make

So a series of fortunate eevents led me to leaving work an hour early. By missing the Rush Hour madness of the city/suburban commute I have managed to gain two whole hours of "me" time.

So what did I do with this heavenly gift of time. This unforseen richness away from the office grind... I spent an hour finishing work for tomorrow. Sometimes I wonder.

Today I am listening to Duke Ellington's soundtrack to the film "Anatomy of a Murder". Its one of the rare soundtracks that stands apart and can exist as its own entity independan of the film. Complete without the visuals that usually make soundtrack music all the more powerful. When combined rigght these can be a powerful combination. Tarantino using Zamfir's the "Lonely Shepard" during 2 pivotal scenes of Kill Bill v.1 forever ingrained that song as a haunting beautiful piece. However, it is the memory of the conjoined elements of song and story which make that such an enjoyable listen. I have seen Anatomy (that's how I was turned on to the music) but, that was well over 10 years ago. In fact I can't place the music in the context of the movie anymore. It is its own entity. And it is KILLER. Fans of Hot Jazz that makes your head bop, and evokes visions of smokey candlelit underground clubs where everyone sweats not because of the temperature, but the mere power of the music. Well, this one is for you.

So I'm not sure that this was intended as a music blog. Maybe?

In other news. I have a squash game tonight. I have picked up the game after over 5 years of being off the court. I will hurt tomorrow.

After that, it is "Game Night" where Wifey CG and I hook up online to play City of Heroes with some friends. Yes, mostly internet friends. I told you I was a geek!

Why Blog?

Blog

Its a funny word really, if it even is a word. So why Bother. Well lets see if I will bother first off.

Plus almost everyone I know is doing one soI figured, Hey, ME TOO!

Wifey (AKA Cunuck Girl) is at it so I thought I'd try and see what its all about.

So here goes!

Hello World... this is me. Or at least some of my thoughts.

Who Am I?

I work as a Cubicle Jockey for a large money making operation. That does not describe me, but it is how I spend my time.
I'm a geek. I love Star Wars (warts and all) with an incomprehensible passion that no self respecting 34 year old should. Its a warm comfortable universe for me I guess.

I love my family more than anything (even Star Wars).

I'm currently reading the graphic Novel "V for Vendetta" by Alan Moore. I've seen it in comic shops for years and it has been on my list for some time. Thenks to Sisterino and a generous gift on my 34th of reading $ at chapters I'm now finally into it and I love it. I am also reading "Freakonomics" and while I find it frustrating at times, it has raised some interesting questions.

I have a voracious appetite for music. Without it, I feel like I'm starving. Today I am listening to Sigur Ros. Icelandic Art Rock deserves its own section in music stores! My musical tastes are varied. I'll listen to anything. I worked in the Music Industry for some time and I am glad that once again, music is a hobby and a passion rather than work.

All in all I am a particularily Middle of the Road person I guess. Or maybe through this I'll find something more interesting about me. That's the reason for this. I want to get my thoughts down and see what I'm about 34 years into this thing of a life. So far I'm having fun, for the most part, on this 3rd rock.